In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
your room smells of hookers.
And success
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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