someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
