a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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