I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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