cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
