My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Randomize
