we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
