It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
