did i walk over a car last night?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
