I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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