We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you didnt know i had herpes?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
