I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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