My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize