Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i was born a porn star she said
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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