i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
we should paint friendship bongs
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
