My nipple is on Facebook.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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