guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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