Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
