Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
