Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
