There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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