Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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