my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
