I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
