your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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