At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
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