I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize