For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
