I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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