I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
