I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize