well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize