You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
