I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize
