Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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