I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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