That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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