You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
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