Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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