Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
