i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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