You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i think i have two assholes
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize