i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
