Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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