just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
