I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize