His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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