so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
