Jerry, you need to find god
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
No subtext here. People are naked.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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