Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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