The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
