i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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