I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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