i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
