so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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