You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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