She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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