I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
