My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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