I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
